cloudspinner | (no subject)

He looked so tired. She wondered if he knew. And always, there was that touch of sadness when he saw her, and that, Frigga knew, she could not touch. This time with her sons was a gift, and not one she was eager to squander or to repeat the mistakes of the past.

So, she would wait and see.

Frigga shut the door behind him and lightly took one of Loki's arms, as if he was escorting her, to take them both into the sitting room. "How goes your training of young mortals?"

She had only stopped by once to observe Loki with Eugene and Jack, but she liked seeing him as a teacher.

"They are not so hopeless as they might seem," Loki said, amused. His standards were extremely high and he was a demanding teacher. But really, Jack and Eugene weren't doing bad as such. He thought it likely he tapped into some of their false memories, which would put them to good use.

"Some day they shall figure out how to properly run away. At least they are not overly hampered by pride."

"I am glad to hear it," Frigga said, smiling. Running away properly was an important topic, she supposed, though she could only imagine what Loki's armsmaster would have had to say about that. Dash the man. No imagination.

"Pride has its place after the deed is done," Frigga said. "In the meantime, is there anything you would like to drink?"

He had never been one to idly eat.

"One can always celebrate being alive," he said dryly. Perhaps not the most delicate thing to say around mother, but they weren't pretending.

"Tea would be lovely. Or wine if you're in the mood. It's late enough in the day."

"True enough," Frigga said with a wry twist of her lips. Wasn't that what she was doing now?

She let go of Loki's arm, but would wait to see him safely seated. "I think... chilled wine would do nicely for a summer afternoon. I found a nicely dry vintage you should appreciate."

Nothing sweet would do for Loki, of course, but she had not turned on the air conditioning in her home. Her windows were open, but the contrast should be nicely pleasant, even though Loki did not usually prefer cool things.

"That sounds nice indeed, mother." Loki smiled and found his seat. E was glad mother didn't Ferrell the need to seat him herself. He Jared the feeling of helplessness that came with things.

"Perfect for this weather, I should think. You have ever been the best of alp hostesses, of course." She was the goddess of the hearth. "And everyone seems so surprised when I know how to properly entertain guests when the mod strikes."

Frigga moved to her wine cabinet and selected the vintage. She took out two wine glasses. "Such a compliment to my rearing of you," she teased. "I am glad to hear you prove them wrong."

She poured the wine. This was an old duty, pouring mead in the halls of the king, and not a drop splashed where it should not go.

He grinned. "I do like to surprise people."

Normally just not so pleasantly.

"When the mood strikes." When he felt like entertaining at all. "Have you had many guests of late?"

She took the glasses by their stems and moved to join Loki on the couch. "Besides my sons?"

They were faithful callers, after all.

"No, I have not done much entertaining. I have been catching up on my reading and attempting to get a sense of this world."

She set her wine glass on the table and waited for Loki to hold out his hand so he could receive his.

"Well, none might be more worthy than us, but others are allowed." He grinned.

"Ah. Well, so long as you have not felt lonely. There is time enough around here, to be sure."

Loki did hold out his hand, and carefully took the glass. He swirled the wine slightly, and inhaled. "Lovely."

She gave a mild tut, "I'm pleased to hear I have your permission."

As if she needed it. And she had felt... not lonely, precisely, but... the whole thing was surreal and...

She missed her home. She missed Odin. She hadn't been away from him for this long in thousands of years and she missed him like she missed her marrow. Was this life now?

It was enough to ignore the statement, she thought, but she noted the sentiment and thought it fine. Loki had not always been so solicitous - at least, not sincerely. And he fairly radiated sincerity at the moment, right up there with exhaustion and tension.

"Thank you," she said, picking up her own glass and doing the same. "This place is remarkable for many small treasures."

He laughed. "A mother does not need any permission from her sons of course. And a lady of Asgard less so. How kind of you to salve my ego."

"It lulls one into a false sense of peace easily." He sighed. Because that was true. And then something untoward would happen, and it would all fall to pieces again. "Though I am glad it has been so for now."

She gave him a slight smile, "Indeed."

And then... hmm. A false peace? And he looked so tired. Frigga took a sip of her wine, tasting it while attempting to decide her approach. She decided to go with how things had been before. "I sense that there is something on your mind, Loki. Will you talk with me?"

"There is always much on my mind, mother," Loki said, his tone amused.

He breathed out a long sigh, sipped his wine. He hated coming at things so directly. "Of late, my personal life has been a ludicrous mess. This seems the hazard of having a personal life to speak of."

Frigga arched her eyebrows slightly, curious and concerned. "These things do take practice, my son. And you have ventured far into relationships the depth of which you have not known until now."

She would not yet directly inquiring, rather giving him time to come at it in his own way. She wouldn't forget, either - Loki had raised the topic, now he must see it through.

He snorted. "Such faith my mother has in me," he muttered. Yes, he'd never really had a stable relationship of any sort in Asgard, but that had really been because he hadn't wanted one. Of course.

There were things he did want to talk about with Frigga, many things. And many that didn't have anything to do with the ongoing drama of his love life. He brooded for a moment, considering possible places to start. Finally, he sighed. "There isn't really a people to whom I belong," he finally said. "And I think I am glad for that. Sometimes."

One battle at a time, Frigga thought. Once, she certainly would insisted, as she had over Odin's bed, that Loki belonged with them. She would still insist upon it, f he had not qualified his statement with 'a people,' and caused her to wonder if that was entirely what he meant. Was it so terrible a thing to be the son and brother of their hearts?

"What do you mean?"

He turned the wine glass in his hands. He wasn't really certain where he was going with any of this, which left him feeling very off balance. Normally, he considered his words far better. He had an intended end point for every conversation. But this time, there was too much swirling through his mind, too much troubling him. He didn't know where to begin, and so it was coming out so unevenly, so unmeasured.

"Being here for nearly two years has only highlighted for me how unlike the mortals I am," he finally said. "But I do not feel as if Asgard is home to me either." He smiled crookedly. "It was painfully obvious I did not belong at all amongst the Asgardians, when I grew up. Being what I am, that is not going to change."

Because he wasn't going to change for them. He just wanted to be Loki.

Frigga paused for a moment, trying to consider, but a lifetime of impulses was hard to suppress when it had been such a long life. She leaned forward slightly, "I do not see why you must feel the things are mutually exclusive. You are my son. If you thought there was no place for you in Asgard, perhaps it was because it was not the place that you wished- - or perhaps it was a place that needed to be more than what there was for you. You are Loki. There will always be a place for you, wherever you are and wherever you go, if you wish it."

"A place other than the dungeon?" he asked, dryly. "I am not the person Asgard wished me to be. I never was. I wasted many centuries trying, and I am done with it."

Though apparently not quite so done, since there were still certain things he did not wish to admit to Mother about himself. Hah, even then, still hiding.

"You are not all of Asgard, mother. If you were, I would feel far less hatred for that realm. And it for me, presumably." He huffed a laugh. "Perhaps some day I will meet this person you and Thor seem to think I am, but I do not believe in the existence of such a Loki."

"The dungeon was not for who you were, it was for what you had done," Frigga said. Was he still so stubborn as to admit to any wrong? Had she not searched for him endlessly until she found him after he fell, only to be dismissed by him? Was he so deeply entrenched in this identity he made for himself as one disenfranchised, unloved, and entitled to what he could get by strength or by wit?

But then what she had or would have said was stung out of her. She grew very still, and gracefully, carefully, set the wine glass on the table. "Do you truly believe I do not know you? That my love is for a phantom?"

Loki sighed. Well, yes, he should have expected this, since he hadn't come in with a plan. Of course they were going to rehash the old argument again, because it was an argument that neither side had ever won. Frigga had merely ended it with her death, so they could continue it now. But he also couldn't resist digging at it, because the argument had never ended. "Next time I'll be sure to merely smash everything with a hammer instead. Maybe then I'll get a vacation on Midgard for my trouble," he drawled.

He sat back on the couch, turning the wine glass slowly in his fingers. Always turning. "Then who am I, mother? For every time I think I've figured it out, it all falls to pieces again."

"Exiled, stripped of your power, disinherited, and disavowed," Frigga corrected. She had been furious with Odin for that last bit more than anything. "Do not doubt it: If Thor had not changed, Mjolnir would have never again heard his call. If Thor had not changed, or if his punishment had changed him for the worse instead of for the better, do not think that Midgard would have been his final place of rest. There is always response to change, but whether or not is restorative or pejorative depends on the nature of the change."

Was Loki's understanding so flawed? Did he truly see no difference between an impulsive act and a strategic assault? A man returned with repentance and with willingness to aid his realm and serve as opposed to a man returned in chains, cursing the name of all who would care for him? She could not allow those assumptions to stand.

But then... "Such a question, Loki," she said quietly. "Do you think a person's self is as immutable as the table of the elements?"

"Better that than rotting in a cage," he said quietly. It had driven him near to madness. "But for the exercise of being told my birthright is death without the following kindness of the ax's fall." His hand twitched, though he didn't quite spill the wine; he set his glass down carefully after that.

He crossed his hands carefully over his stomach. "I've so many birthrights I can't keep track of them all any longer. Blood-drinking monster, corpse, king of blasted, hated wasteland, king of Asgard, shadow of Thor. No wonder I'm so confused." For a moment he pursed his lips, trying to swallow down the words that came next, but he'd never been good at keeping anything from Frigga. "I'm as insubstantial as air. As light. There are an infinite number of Lokis, depending upon whom you ask, all crammed into one little shell. And I'm so bloody tired of it, mother. I'm so tired sometimes. I wish it would just stop, only I do insist on surviving even when everyone would rather I didn't."

Edited 2014-08-29 19:04 (UTC)

"I would not rather that," she said, quietly passionate. Frigga knew that darkness too well to wish it on her son. "There is no joy in stopping, Loki. There is no light, nor hope of light."

Her voice was tightly controlled. She did not like to think of what waited her when she left this place. She could only hope that Luceti had been an interruption, and that her soul would find its path among the stars, to the banqueting hall of her mothers.

Her heart hurt at Loki's outpouring, and she wished they had discussed this long ago. She only hoped that he would be able to take hold of all she had to offer for the cold comfort that it was, it was what she believed. Their people believed in Fate, in the tapestry woven before time, and Frigga had taken some comfort from this in her youth. As she grew older, however, she had begun to believe that things were not so simple.

"Oh, my son." Her voice was filled with love and compassion. "With so many titles clamoring for your attention, there is no wonder at such confusion indeed. I know not who told you your birthright is death, but so it is for all of us. We are born to live and we are born to die, that is our fate; that is the end of it. I have never been one to believe that all our actions between that birthright are determined and yet I am aware of the defining power of words. Our choice, then, is in what words we will accept and what words we will deny. Just as our power comes in manipulating that which we understand, we create ourselves by accepting who we are and within that understanding, moving toward that which we would become."

Edited 2014-08-29 20:37 (UTC)

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wow my Swype fail in the last tag

still legible!

you are magical

/does a magical girl sequence

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